Attention Seeker

 There are many things in our live, that we are not meant to have. It is just that we do not really know how to adapt in the reality and accept the truth; that we don't have the 'one' we dreamt for. Everyone is lucky in their own unique ways. So, dear self, if we are not granted for things that we really seriously, want and wish for, there are always other way that we are lucky too. Don't feel left out, because it is not exactly what Allah has planned for us. After all, Allah knows better.

I clearly know, it is the truth, the fact, the reality of life. It is a bitter truth that i have to face everyday. In my office, people are having a small talk by talking about thier family bonding, daily routine, their kids behavior, their past experiences bearing a child, get pregnant and many more, in which i honestly felt being left out. I cannot join the conversation and that makes me frust. Really. I acknowledge that they are sharing their happiness, but i could not fake myself smiling over things that doesn't rejoice me at all. I don't belong to the 'environment'. It is not like i hate them for not being sensitive about me, nooooo. It is more like, how i wish, i could have the same experience. Changing my kids' diapers, get the chance of feeling the knocking or kicking inside my tummy, being loved by my romantic husband, being care about my deen by my truly half one and all sort of things that they are discussing about. Don't label me as envious person because i am not. I am happy for them. It somehow triggers my heart that even i don't have all the things that i want, i am still lucky. I have to remind myself about that.

Allah has a better future and great plan for me. I have to just pass all the challenge and be ready to receive more. To be ready, i need to make myself better. Better in every way. The best is yet to come. My children will come. My responsible plus romantic husband is in the making.😂😂. I need to always and always remind myself that, then only i can be a grateful servant. Aamiin.

Takdir dan Allah

Pernah kau rasa,

Setiap sekeliling mu bahagia,

Dan kau menggunung rasa,

Hampa dan bergundah gulana?

.

Pernah kau rasa,

Menyumpah semuanya,

Luar batasan mu segalanya,

Sudah terjadi kucarnya,

Berubah sudah acuannya,

Pasrah dan memuncak rasa kecewa.

.

Pernah kau rasa,

Hidup seperti sudah berakhir,

Noktah menjadi titik terakhir,

Seolah-olah dipermainkan takdir,

Masa depan dan rencana mu jauh tercicir.

.

Pernah kau rasa,

Jiwa sakit,

Mental koyak,

Emosi rabak?

.

Pernah kau rasa?

Pernah kau rasa.

Pernah kau rasa!

Gila. Rasanya gila.

Rodanya terjunam jatuh dan gila.

.

Bagaimana mahu ku khabar,

Senang itu akan tiba,

Bahagia itu akan datang?

Bagaimana mahu ku percaya,

Tulisan Tuhan semuanya indah,

Tulisanku semuanya gundah?

Ya, menyesal dan penyesalan tu ada.

Kerana aku manusia biasa.

Luar biasa itu hanya dosa.

Libang libu rasa kepada orang tua.

Ampuni dosanya Yang Maha Mencipta.

Allahuakbar,

Iman. Iman. Iman.

Tidak ku pohon apanya melainkan kewarasan akal.

Mohon ku ya Allah,

Disaat semuanya lelah,

Aku masih betah,

Petah berkata takdir itu milik Allah,

Akan ada yang baik2 utk diriku,

Kerana rencana Allah itu mengikut sangkaan ku,

Bersangka baiklah dengan takdirNya.

Kekalkan aku ya Allah,

Kewarasan AKAL,

NIKMAT ISLAM,

NIKMAT IMAN,

Seandainya masa nya sudah sampai,

JEMPUTLAH AKU PULANG

Sekiranya masa nya belum tiba,,

PANDANGLAH aku Tuhan, Angkatlah segala kegelisahan dan kegilaan ini. Aamiin.

Ya tuhan,

Aku rindu. Pegang aku ya Allah. Jangan Jauh. Lindungilah mentalku. Aku takut.

Million little things

I hate people whispering in front of me

I hate having bad perception on others just because i feel insecure

I hate knowing that all privileges that used to be mine are now other's, i crave for attentions

Run away

Run away

Run away

Please ya Allah, i am begging, if there is still love for me and among me, please save me from all of this negative attitudes. I really feel bad for myself.

Bukan mudah untuk pujuk hati, bukan mudah untuk tetap berada di dalam satu lorong yg gelap cerahnya belum pasti. Penat. Letih. Lelah. Cemburu itu pasti, iri itu seakan mekar. Bantulah hamba mu ini ya Allah. Sekurang-kurangnya bantu hamba mu ini utk memulakan perjalanan baru ditempat baru yg lebih Engkau redhai, dan lebih lagi Engkau kasihi. Tempatkan ak ditempat yg paling ak dekat dgn Engkau, yg paling ak jujur dgn semua org ttg status ak, yg paling harmonis keluarga besarnya, yg paling byk kasih sayang sehinggakan musuh juga dikasihi spt adk bradik. Aamin..aamiin..aamiin..

Cuma satu ya Allah, cuma satu..padamkan rindu ini kpdnya. Padamkan terus. Bukan demdam, cuma mencari sedikit kekuatan dgn melupakan. Aamiin.

Muharram Bliss

 Jiwa kosong,

Raga kosong,

Allah..

Hari ni 2 Muharam 1444, masa berganti masa, kisah berganti kisah.. seindah takdir yg Allah dh tetapkan, yg Allah pilih utk kita.. khusus utk kita.. mmg lumrah manusia, iman yg ada turun naik..betul kata fynn jamal, bila mana iman kita, kita rasakan di takuk tertinggi, doa lah byk2 supaya Allah panggil kita PULANG pd ketika itu..

1443 menyaksikan satu demi satu kejatuhan ak..

Byk coretan, luahan, hati dan perasaan yg ingin ditulis..tp entahlah..tiada rasa utk menulis..apatah lg kisah duka.. cukup sekadar ak nyatakan segalanya hancur.. perkahwinan hancur, kerjaya jgk hilang keseronokan, rakan2 masing2 bwk haluan masing2, yg ada cuma keluarga..cuma keluarga jg kdg2 merasakan ak sbg beban..

Penat dan hilang hala tuju..yg utama, hilang harapan utk  bahagia.. pernah jg rasa Allah benar2 benci ak, Allah balas segala dosa yg ada..ak penat, penat, penat sgt2.. rasa xleh nk terima segalanya, rasa mcm makin lama, makin hilang kewarasan dan kesihatan mental.. Allahuakbar Allahuakbar Allahuakbar..

Rasa berdosa bila xsabar dlm tangani ujian Allah..rasa ralat bila persoalkan apa yg Allah dah takdirkan..kita hamba, Dia pemilik..kita hina, Dia yg Paling Mulia.. Dia pencipta, kita bahan ciptaan.. setiap drpd kita dah ditentukan takdirnya..sabar..sabar..sabar..bangkit..bangkit..bangkit..semoga awal Muharram ni, Allah gantikan segala kehancuran dgn kenikmatan yg tidak disangka-sangka..semoga Allah rezekikan yg baik-baik, yg lebih baik dr setiap kehilangan..

Ampuni segala dosaku ya Allah, ampuni ku.. Ampuni segalanya ya Allah..