Once down, red flag

Ramadhan is about to knock our door again. And i was totally blessed this year in many ways. Allah is indeed Al bari'. Allah has granted my doa, to get transferred to my district. Allah has granted my doa, to cut my budget of travelling far 100km back and forth. Allah is definitely assami'. 

But....

There is something wrong with me! Even Allah has prepared, awarded me more than i could thank, i still wish for something that i couldn't have. Could never have in my life. How pathetic i am. That is why i choose to write out my feeling. To let my future self know that there are times i am so pathetic and ungrateful. Last year, in the eve of aidilfitri, i was kicked out from whatsapp group. This year, a day before ramadhan, no more profile picture to be viewed. Meaning, i was deleted from the contact list. I know i shouldn't feel sad, i know i don't deserve to feel broken, yet my heart hurts. Otteke?? I pray and pray, not once, but repeatedly for Allah to remove this feeling, this sadness as they are Allah's creation too. I fail to bring myself to the reality, to face the truth that from the start, from the beginning, the position was never mine. I want to be open, but it is hard for me. I'm afraid of many things and the biggest fright is the humiliation that i would face. The people's perception, the talking behind, arghhhh..i have a mental health to be taken care off. Wake up!!!

Stop comparing you with other people!

Stop complaining!

Dear self, dear heart, i will never pray to Allah to make you strong, give you the strength, but i will always pray that Allah gives you peace, Allah awards you happiness and more importantly, Allah takes care of your mental health. Allah wants the best for you, EASE. Allah knows you better, that's why you are testified this way, because Allah knows you definitely can face this. A new start is about to begin, enjoy! Don't let your pass determine your future, don't let people judge you by your pass because you are definitely not living there anymore.

GOOD LUCK. ALLAH LOVES YOU SO DO YOU!